The Struggles, Survival & Solace

Anxieties, once enter your life, never leave you. It can take a backseat, but you always live on the edge. Even when on your healing journey.

From a slight headache to a minor head injury, it all triggers the worst case scenarios.

Even when the eyes are tired because of doomscrolling, and mind is so due to dehydration, your mind palace becomes a cemetery where only the endgame remains.

Reminiscing Struggles & Survival

Wonder, how I survived years of agony, heartache, loneliness and despair when I lived in dire circumstances, alone with no one to turn to, or cry to!

I guess the anxieties I have today, are a fruit of those sufferings. Though I am still surprised, how someone once so brave as myself, became someone who braces herself with each trigger!

Wonder, what anxiety does to a normal day, making it seem the worst, the last even. Death anxiety is a doom that makes us face the doomsday even before it arrives, killing our dreams, our passion, our motivation, and our will to heal altogether – only to leave us with a faithful hopelessness.

Fruit of Loneliness: When we live alone, go through a major life transition, or move to a strange city, there’s a certain type of loneliness that becomes your companion. Even if you make new friends or get busy in life, it is always lurking around.

Then, on weekends or at 3 am, it resurfaces while you avoid it, just as the sleep avoids you. You go out to the terrace, and stare at the moon and the stars, who are now your companions too. Every night from now on, you greet the sky with sad eyes and hopelessness.

The sky never fails. It amazes you every time you look at it. But there’s always the same feeling, same heart wrenching, heart piercing feeling when you look at it. You realise how even the Moon has the stars, and you only have your thoughts with you.

And you start to contemplate. Everything you are, you did, are doing and the uncertain deeds of tomorrow. You start to learn about yourself.

When the loneliness doesn’t leave, you start to embrace it. You begin to understand your own heart, your desires, dreams and dooms.

Thus, self-awareness arises. But sadly, it doesn’t arrive empty handed. It gifts you self-doubt, self-criticism, and self-hate. Then the conflict begins – If I should love myself, why can’t I do so as easily as others?

Finding Solace

Years after all this began, you start to learn to live with it. Overthinking every step, every act, every word. Everything starts to trigger something in you. And sometimes you close your eyes, and go back to that night, staring at the night sky again, when you cried to the moon and the stars to help you. When you pleaded for a peaceful, happier life and a calm mind.

Then you come back to this moment, and find yourself exactly where you wanted to be that night. And that’s how you find solace, not in the anxiety anymore, but all the times you survived it, and won through life until now.

You find solace in the feeling that you never gave up, even when it felt like the end. You believed you’d get here, you’d be happier. Because you knew you deserved it. You never left yourself, even when you so wanted to. You kept going, and you started a new journey of Healing. That’s why, now whenever you feel anxious, you know you can get through it, because you went through the worst before, all by yourself. You are brave again. That’s your solace.

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Thanks for reading, Namaste.