Life, Words & Us

Skinny side of the body love story, and how I turned it around.

“Don’t tell me I’m “too tall” just because my height happens to threaten your rather fragile sense of masculinity. The fact that men cannot physically look down upon women who are taller than them is the very reason that many men find tall women so intimidating.” ― Miya Yamanouchi, Author

I started with this particular quote because I am a tall girl for an average Indian woman. I have been body shamed my whole life for being both tall and skinny, but I never took it too seriously until my mid-twenties. I didn’t know how it would affect my confidence in the long run. It did, big time!

Calling someone names in school and college based on their appearance is a very common thing, and personally, it never affected me that much. I also did the same to my peers. I never felt bullied or threatened in any of my academic days at all. It was later, when I started observing societal misbehaviours towards my body type, that it started bothering my self-esteem.

How it affected me

1. I always covered my arms, and was afraid to wear dresses that look great on my body type in public. Because I didn’t want anyone to look at me and think, how skinny I was.
2. I, by myself, was observing the ‘perfect’ body type and decided that I am not one.
3. I never realised that not body shaming anyone would still not stop others from body shaming me.
4. Despite my genetics, my daily calorie intake and stress mismanagement had been the main culprits for my weight mismanagement.

No one told me, yet I didn’t research it because of my other stupid issues, which seemed more important.

How I started to turn it around

All you need are your trusted people to tell you that you’re okay. For context, my parents never told me I was skinny; they always said, you’re perfect for your height and age. My peers never told me I was skinny. I have had a good support system throughout my life.

That being said, as humans, we tend to focus more on the people who don’t even know us, to validate us! I don’t know why we’re trapped in that kind of human nature, but it is what it is. We are trapped in the opinions of strangers, and insensitive brats of the society, who have nothing better to do with their lives, and to mind their own business.
Even the people who should be working on themselves, making their bodies healthier, tell you that you’re not perfect or enough.

This is where I started to get pissed.

When elders, too, who have no idea what they’re doing, commented on my body and my appearance. Not even elders, but men, educated men, told me that I am not curvy enough!

I wonder when they will teach the boys!

I started to turn it around by being triggered by anyone and everyone who ever commented on my body.

Trigger warning: Some trigger words ahead! (They’re also quite creative.)

• I have been called ‘Cigarette legs, Giraffe, Clothes in a hanger.’ People often ask me if I am carrying a coin so that I don’t get swayed by the wind.
• In 2019, I joined the gym to gain some muscle mass, which I thought was the only way I could gain some weight. A lot of older women used to come to the gym. One day, I noticed two women, probably two decades older than me, whispering while pointing at me, and then I could hear them too. ‘Why does she need to come to the gym, show off!’ Like seriously? What I heard was an insult at that moment.
• Ever since that day, I became conscious of my body so much in public that I stopped going to the gym, started home workouts, and refused to work out in public ever again.

It all happened subconsciously. I didn’t realise how triggered I got with just a few words from two strangers!

It was my partner who helped me regain everything…

People don’t know what you’re going through until you tell them, and most people would only sympathise with you. There’s no sign of a solution. But only the ones who truly care to help you in your healing will have your back, with some solutions.

It was my husband who told me all the things that I was doing wrong. Like the low calorie intake/day, things I should eat that will help me feel good, and with his help, I started to learn more about my body and its needs.

What I learned:

1. I knew that an adult requires at least 2000 kcal/day to stay healthy. But what I didn’t know was that since I have a very high metabolism, I needed to eat small but multiple meals a day. Not just that — I also needed not 2000, but 2400 kcals/day as per my bodily needs.
2. Some foods are more suitable for me than others. I have always preferred simple home-cooked meals, that’s what suits me best too. And whenever I eat, I eat properly.
3. Multiple meals don’t mean munching stuff. It means a proper breakfast with a fruit and smoothie break before lunch. Then another fruit or cheese sandwich around 5 pm and an early dinner by 7:30.
4. Light dinners are not for me. I got to understand that I experience better sleep if I eat a full dinner and not a light one.
5. Heavy workouts don’t suit my body. I love walking, so that’s one. Yoga is also my jam, and occasional dancing, cycling, or sports feed my soul.

I have always been athletic, and I used to play a lot of sports during my school days. I used to be the most confident person I knew, and then gradually I was not that confident with anything in my life. I think skinny-shaming had a lot more to do with it than I realise.

When people tell you, ‘please eat more’, ‘don’t your parents feed you properly, why are you so weak’, they’re not just saying it to make small talks work with their big mouths and small brains. They’re impacting your life in ways you don’t even realise in those moments.

It feeds into your reality that yes, you are weak, and should eat more (be it anything).

How Do I Feel Now?

• Ever since I started focusing on what my body needs, and not what people are saying , I have started to gain healthy fat. Even though my weight fluctuates, a lot depends on my diet and routine, and I feel the healthiest I have ever felt in my adult life.
• I have gained not just weight, though, but my confidence is coming back, my IDGAF attitude is coming back, and most importantly, my anxieties are more manageable. The voices in my head are more manageable, and my comebacks are back too.
• I wear the dresses I couldn’t, and I don’t hide my arms anymore. People telling me to ‘gain weight’ cannot get inside my head anymore. I have also gotten better at eye-rolling on their faces.
• All of this was because I had someone supporting me, and rewiring my brain by saying positive things, after hearing negatives for years! Once that started making an impact, I started to love myself more, take care of myself more and felt better in every way.

You can say — Hey, you should not need someone to tell you to love yourself. I used to be that person, too. But I also learned that sometimes the voices inside your head are way too loud to be silenced by yourself. An external voice is needed, and there’s no shame in asking for help.

Yes, it used to be an everyday struggle, but I don’t take it as a struggle anymore. I take it as an everyday ritual, a journey that has no destination but just to keep myself healthier than yesterday.

Thanks for reading.

Do you have any experience with body shaming too?